CHILDREN SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
*Things I have overheard my precocious children say*
*Things I have overheard my precocious children say*
Our family is always on the go, but we make it a point to have a family meal every Sunday. Sitting down to dinner, our middle child, who likes to volunteer said he would give the blessing. Being only six years old (at the time), I leaned over to help him, whispering to him, and then he would repeat what I had said. Having a brother-in-law over in Iraq at the time, I wanted to give special consideration to the soldiers over there, so I whispered in his ear; “bless the soldiers overseas.” My son then repeated what he thought he heard me say. “Bless the soldiers who have fleas.”
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The only thing my youngest son Joey wanted for his sixth birthday was a guitar. Needless to say, he was ecstatic when his grandparents gave him one. Of course, he did not have a clue how to play a single chord, but he walked proudly around the house strumming the strings of that instrument while bobbing his head back and forth. Later that evening, he stood in the hallway, just outside his room, playing me a song, and it went like this:
"I'm the birth-day boy, and this is my 'tar. And I hate coffee." |
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My son Steffen is a very articulate and smart child, and we thought he would be best served by an all-day-kindergarten. The only issue was it was an out-of-district program and I had to drive him to and from school. One day, I arrived early, and was waiting at the front doors by the entrance of the school. While standing there, I was approached by the school nurse. "Are you Steffen's mom?" "Yes," I replied. "I have to tell you the cutest thing Steffen did the other day." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I knew he was a storyteller and wondered what he had told her. "He came into the office the other morning, telling me his chest hurt. I was with another student, so I told him to go lie down in the health room and I would check on him in a couple of minutes. A few moments later, I asked him if he was still in pain, and he nodded his head. I then asked him to tell me where it hurt and he pointed to his chest and said, and I quote, "My heart is breaking, because my mom isn't here." |
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A couple of weeks ago, Steffen and I were driving back from the store. He was prattling away and then suddenly stopped. “Mom?” he asked. “Yes, Sweetheart.” “Do you think I was a chatter box in Heaven?” I paused for a moment, trying to think of how I should answer his question—he always throws me off base with his questions on theology. “I’m sure we have much of the same traits here on Earth, as we did in Heaven.” He nodded his head. “Then I bet God was sure glad when it was my turn to come to Earth, it’s probably a lot quieter there now.” *****
My youngest son Joey has been butting heads all year with another boy in his class. The other morning, I mentioned to his teacher I didn't understand why they don't get along - they were so much alike, and Joey piped up, "No, we aren't." To which his teacher asked, " How are you different?" Joey thought about it for a moment before answering, "I'm more awesome." |
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The other morning, I was rummaging through my dresser drawer, looking for a pair of pantyhose, when my youngest son came into the room and sat down on my bed. "Mom, what are you doing?" he asked. To which I replied, "I'm looking for hose." Innocently, he replied, "There's hose in the front yard." *****
The other day, I overheard the two older boys bickering. Michael lost his cool and yelled, "Steffen, I'm going to kick you in the ass." Steffen not missing a beat, replied back, "Would that be the gluteus maximus or the gluteus medius?" Can you say smart-ass? |
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Several years ago, the family drove to Westport for the Fourth of July weekend. One of the things we did on our trip to the coast was stop and visit the Gray's Harbor Lighthouse. The lighthouse is open for tours and for a small donation you can climb the long spiral staircase to the lantern room. For safety reasons the two younger boys could not make the trek to the top. Fast forward. I'm driving the boys home from swimming lessons, when Steffen, out of the blue, asked why he was not allowed to climb to the top of the lighthouse. I began to explain that he had not old enough, but before I had a chance to finish my sentence, he loudly proclaimed, "Oh, I see. They didn't want my cuteness splattered all over the floor." |
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I blushed five shades of red this morning thanks to my middle son. It’s a lazy Saturday morning and neither my husband nor I was in any hurry to get up. I was sitting on the bed with my laptop and he was playing with his iPod Touch, when our son came into our bedroom and asked if we were going to be naked all day. My husband replied, “Yep, and maybe later we’ll have sex.” I rolled my eyes and under my breath whispered, “Oh, god.” To which my son in a smart aleck voice told us, “That’s what you usually sound like.” This is the same son, who a few months earlier, after asking his dad if he had a vasectomy. “Because you don’t want any more babies?” Steffen inquired. Ed nodded. “If it’s broken, why do you guys still do it?” Oh Steffen, some day you will understand. *****
Playing I Spy with my youngest son the other evening, he said, "I spy with my little eye. . . something beautiful." "What?" I asked him. "You." I love that boy of mine. |
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While visiting Glacier National Park last week, we told the boys the Gameboys and iPods had to be put away while in the park and for them to enjoy the mountains, glaciers, trees, flowers, and waterfalls. Joey piped up, "Nature's boring." *****
Joey: I'm bored. Michael and Steffen aren't here, so there's no one to bother. *****
Although our youngest son's given name is Joseph, named after his great grandfather and great-great grandfather, right from the womb he had been christened Joey, so it was not surprising when we registered him for Kindergarten, and the office secretary asked if his name was Joseph. Joey pouted, but firmly told her, "I no Joe-fist, I Joey! *****
“Kettle meet pot,” I told Michael. He shook his head and responded, “Sorry mom, I don’t understand that eulogy.” *****
My husband teasing our middle son told him, "Steffen, you are such a prima donna." He crinkled his nose and asked, "Who's Madonna?" *****
Steffen when completing his merit badge in Genealogy was told he had to write a 300 essay about someone on his family tree. He choose his dad, but grumbled about the assignment. Not having enough words for his essay, he wrote, "My dad is very, very, very, very, very, very, very nice" His merit badge counselor didn't let him get away with it though. |
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My sister, Elizabeth, when she was three-years-old, toddled into our grandmother's kitchen. Holding out her chubby little hand, she asked for a cookie. Grammy handed her one, replying, "I think your middle name is 'cookie.'" Elizabeth answered back, "Yep, but my first name is 'ice cream'." ***** One Sunday, when I was six years-old I was explaining to another child from the ward we had a change in leadership. “That’s our new bishop,” I told her pointing him out, and then gesturing to our previous leader, I said, “He was our bishop, but then he got old.” ***** Steffen: "When I was younger I used to think the right to bear arms meant the right to give hugs." *****
"Give your mother a hug," my husband told our middle son the other morning. However, my laptop was sitting my lap, at that very moment, and I was about to move it, when he glanced at me, gave me a sly grin, and hugged the computer monitor. Smart ass. *****
After viewing Harry Potter 7 Part 2, my middle son said the movie was too long, and would have been a lot shorter if the characters had used guns. Then he proceeded to act out a scene: “What magical wand is that?” Voldermort would ask. Steffen then made the sound of a rifle cocking. “I call it a M16." Brakarakaraka!!! Movie over." |
***** A Christmas Poem written by Steffen Christmas is snowy and bright. Eating cookies is such a delight. Christmas is a time for girls and boys, To receive lots of things such as clothes and toys. Today is Christmas, there’s no time to wait. Because I love Christmas in Washington state. So I wake up early and spring from my bed. It’s time for my presents and to get me fed. I run downstairs with all my might. I look around and it’s a very good sight. We look at the tree and holy cow! Let’s open our presents NOW, NOW, NOW! *****
I adore the husband and wife team that teaches my son's Sunday School class; however, my son can be disruptive at times and was having a particular rough day a few weeks ago. Carolyn matched him out of the room, into the hall, and lead him by the ear to his grandmother's class. After threatening him with having to sit with her group--'a class full of babies' according to him, he decided he would behave and go back to his class. The following week, Carolyn asked him if he was going to listen. Pointing to Dave, her husband, he told her, "I'll listen to him, but not you." That's my blood, y'all. ***** Last week, Joey and I worked on the Presidents of the United States for a home school lesson and his cooperating teacher asked him which president was his favorite and why? Joey answered, "John F. Kennedy--because he has great hair." |
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Steffen: "Why do we use the term sweetheart? Why not other body parts like sweet thighs or sweet brains or sweet ear?" ***** Overheard: "The difference between sex ed and driver's ed is you get to practice driver's ed." ***** Steffen was texting a friend, a young lady that he likes a lot. She told him she needed to get off the phone and get back to doing her homework. He thought he wrote procrastination is a good thing, but autocorrect changed it to "Procreation." He died a thousand deaths that night, especially since she had been quiet for several minutes after the text had been sent. She responded, yes, I guess it is. Then he begged her not to tell anyone about it, but she said she had already showed the text to her mom.
Damn you, autocorrect! |
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We went to a youth fireside last night on the standards of dating. The bishop asked the youth, “What qualities should you be looking for in a mate?” Most answered sense of humor, being honest, talented, loving, righteous, etc. However, Steffen answered, “Someone who doesn’t spend a half-hour doing their hair every morning.” Dream child. Dream. ***** I took Steffen and Joseph to the clinic for well-child check-ups. The doctor, nurse, and I were surprised by the fact the boys were the same height and had the same purse rate. The only difference was Steffen was ten pounds heavier then his younger brother. He proudly told everyone in the room the reason he was heavier was because his brain was that much bigger. |